New LinkedIn features

Our trusted, professional social network, is rumoured to release cool new features soon. Though the jury is not out yet on their pricing, a Corona-safe launch event is being prepared.

ListenIn

With ListenIn you can eavesdrop on the inMails of three connections of your choice. A corporate plan of ListenIn will allow you to eavesdrop on all LinkedIn members who have your company (verified) listed as their current employment. A premium listenIn account has unlimited eavesdropping on all your connections.

Though, of course heavy users are hoping to use ListenIn to eavesdrop on non-connections - if only to see what kind of people they are prior to affiliating with them in the first place - pesky European privacy laws seem to prohibit this at least in the first release.

TeachIn

Enforce a LinkedIn-learning course onto a connection prior to receiving anymore inMails, messages, or posts from her.

A business account of TeachIn lets you set a deadline on the subject passing the imposed course. Upon failing to achieve the certificate, the subjects loses affiliation with your brand. (Whether you actually retain them on your payroll remains of course entirely up to you.)

For free tier members TeachIn is a great tool to anonymously suggest to their boss the ‘starting with MsOffice’ course he so desperately needs, to hint their project manager onto a ‘Woke’ course, to refresh any of their 2005 Emotional Intelligence skills updated for the post Me-too era.

InVade

A super-high priced, elite sub-network, with strong encryption, inCoin transactions, and guaranteed to be free of humor. Aimed toward the forward thinking, and ambitious dictator/world leader of tomorrow.

SpreadIn

For attention seekers, or those who seek affirmation of (lack of) purpose in their life. SpreadIn is expected to become LinkedIn’s entry point for the next wave - Instagrammers who want to be taken seriously, but who are confronted by LinkedIn classic profile fields like ‘profession’. SpreadIn will be the bustling gravitational field of youngsters in unicorn pyjamas, who no longer need to subject themselves to stigma as ‘independent content creator’ or ‘social media expert’. Instead they can - without shame - call themselves ‘viral attention seeker’, or ‘influencer’ - and everyone on SpreadIn will love them for it! Which reminds me, SpreadIn will come with complimentary Imposter Syndrome (mass) coaching sessions.

** LAST MINUTE UPDATE ** Shortly after publishing this article we learned that the release of SpreadIn is delayed until further notice. My sources tell me this is to avoid reputation damage from COVID-19 spreading context. Considering that the target demographic of SpreadIn could not care less about COVID-19, you can see how carefully diligent LinkedIn prepares a product launch. Stay tuned for updates!

InYourFace

Finally, the best one. It’s what you recruiters & marketeers have been waiting for! InYourFace lets you fill any LinkedIn member’s timeline with nothing but content of your choice, for three days straight. If the user follows, likes and engages with your content enough, the -otherwise three day- restriction is lifted earlier. Premium InYourFace will override all the notification settings on their account, to ensure they cannot escape your message. Gone are the days of being ignored, of not knowing if someone reads your unsolicited inMails!

Note that InYourFace will not be rolled out for SpreadIn. InYourFace premium is a standard feature that comes with InVade, raising also the three days restriction to 5 years.

So you see, some decidedly cool LinkedIn features coming soon. Christmas comes early this year!

PS. This is satire. While I wait for the launch of SpreadIn, please like and share it, tell friends, convince Jehova’s to read it, and SPAM-mail as many people about it as you can.

LinkedIn is a registered trademark. If I am transgressing on their rights, they will let me know. ListenIn, TeachIn, InVade, SpreadIn, InCoin, and InYourFace are trademarks to which I hold copyright. They are for sale, provided none of them are ever created to be the described feature. I will consider this post a success if LinkedIn has a sense of humor, enjoys the spread of attention, and donates a free 1 year LinkedIn learning subscription to my account. Because that is actually a nice product.